Pepsi Introduces Carbon-Neutral PepsiFLAT

From

PURCHASE, New York — Soft drink giant Pepsi unveiled their new "environmentally sustainable" beverage PepsiFLAT today, at a press conference outside the company's world headquarters. The drink is not carbonated, substituting the recognized greenhouse gas with a proprietary chemical that simulates the sensation of carbon dioxide bubbles by selectively attaching to nerve cells on the surface of the consumer's tongue, gums and throat.

Due to recent legislation emphasizing the reduction of carbon emissions nationwide, the new chemical qualified for fast-tracking under guidelines administered by the FDA. "The average liter of soda contains 6 grams of CO2," Pepsi CEO Eric Foss told journalists at the PepsiFLAT product launch, adding, "That's roughly 389,000 tons of CO2 released nationally each year prior to consumption and in the form of burps." [Link]

McCain Courts Youth Vote With Petty Cash

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IRVINE, California — Speaking to a group of students today at the University of California in Irvine, presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain sought to sway college aged voters with petty cash, proposing innovative tax incentives for the purchase of movies, music and pizza. McCain also alluded to a charitable trust established by his wife Cindy, an executive with the Anheuser-Busch beer wholesaler and distributor Hensley & Co., calling the fund, "Real beer money that can also be spent on video games or designer jeans." [Link]